Trigger warning: lots of swearing used, mentions of abuse and self harm
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well guess who came out as a crossdresser this morning
of course it’s my fucking father
well guess what asshole
your daughter doesn’t give a shit that you’re trans, or adopted, or whatever
she doesn’t care because she’s a fucking nice human being who lets people be who they are
no what she fucking cares about is the fucking years of abuse and hatred you put her though
she cares about that you’re still an asshole to her now and she can’t feel safe in her own home because of that
she fucking cares that you will abuse her and use her and fucking insult her no matter who is around because it’s no secret you fucking hate her
SHE FUCKING CARES ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE CANNOT FUCKING FORGIVE YOU FOR YEARS OF FUCKING ABUSE THAT HAVE RUINED HER WHOLE GODDAMN LIFE
SHE DOESN’T CARE WHO YOU ARE, WHO YOU WANT TO BE OR HOW YOU IDENTIFY YOURSELF, BECAUSE THAT DOESN’T MATTER
WHAT MATTERS IS HOW YOU ACT
AND YOU’VE ACTED LIKE A FUCKING SHIT PARENT BECAUSE YOU’VE ABUSED HER SO MUCH SHE CAN’T FUCKING DO ANYTHING WITHOUT HER HEAD KILLING HER NOW
YOU’VE USED HER AND SHAMED HER IN FRONT OF HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS, AND YOU’VE INSULTED HER AND ABUSED HER FOR SO LONG, PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY WHEN YOU COULD GET THE FUCK AWAY WITH IT
SHE CARES THAT YOU TREAT YOU FUCKING WIFE LIKE SHIT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BLAME SOMEONE FOR STUFF AND IT’S NOT YOURSELF
FINALLY SHE FUCKING WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU SHARED A SECRET BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THAT, SHE GIVES A SHIT HOW YOU’VE MADE HER LIFE HELL AND SHE’S TOO TERRIFIED TO FUCKING BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU SOMETIMES
SO FUCK YOU VERY MUCH AND YOU’VE MADE MY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, AND WHOLE YEAR, AND ALL THE YEARS BEFORE THAT, HELL
titled under: things I will never say to him because I’m too fucking terrified but really should be said
oh and p.fucking.s: I hope you’re fucking pleased with yourself for yesterday, when you called me an ‘idle bitch’ in front of my friend because I hadn’t done the washing up because I was having fun, for once, with that friend (who is fucking amazing and I don’t know how I deserve her), well I hope you’re fucking proud of yourself that I went upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom and cried and silently screamed all alone and broke three fucking months of being clean because fuck, I believe every fucking word you say because that’s how I was brought up by you, and you called me an idle bitch and I fucking believed it because you have so much fucking power, and I took mum’s razor and I fucking cut my arm and broke three months of being clean, a week before Christmas.
and that night I cried silently again and promised myself that I had to get through Christmas then I could do whatever needed to take the pain away
and fuck, it’s not a new year, it’s two years ago again where I tried to kill myself two days after Christmas and ended up in hospital for the new year; it’s last year where I ran away and curled up to die for hours under a tree, where I tried to get the demons out of my head by smashing it with a rock, and the only thing that fucking saved me that night was a little cat, who looked at me with the innocence only animals have, and mewed quietly at me to hold on. and I have. but for how much longer I can, I don’t know. oh god Prim I’m so sorry, Im so sorry if I leave you, I love you so much, my dear, but your beautiful fur and innocent eyes can’t take all the evil inside me away and I love you so much my dear, I promise I’ll hold on for a little while longer but I don’t know if I can be saved again. I’m sorry always, to everyone, but I’m so tired.
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strugglingbutstillfighting 