It’s been a long time, and that is for many reasons, but I do sometimes sort-of frequently write on my fandom/other/lighter blog if anyone cares, and I mean, even though nobody does I still do, so whatever. It’s called
fandom and righteousness – Ramblings of a Fandom Warrior
But today I did what could be considered self-care, so since one of the main reasons I stopped this blog writing thing was because even I got tired of writing about shitty stuff and my fucking mind, so I thought that starting again with some sort-of good thing would be a good idea.
So last week I got pretty sick, I actually spent the Wednesday in bed, which – despite what some people in my family might say – is actually quite unusual for me. Actually there was no university on Wednesday anyway, which was handy, but since I was so sick I decided to take the Thursday off as well, so I emailed the taxis and uni explaining this. But though I took it off and didn’t get dressed or anything because I was still feeling pretty rough, I actually spent most of the day revising for a test that was on Friday, but despite that I literally had no idea what the hell literally ANY of the questions were asking when I went in for the test on Friday. So I mean, I almost certainly got maybe 1% if I was very lucky with the crap I wrote, and for once that isn’t just my stupid mind talking, which is weirdly liberating.
Anyway, I’ve recently finished work experience at the vets (which was absolutely incredible) so now I have Mondays and Tuesdays free, so for the first time in a while I went to town with mum at the beginning of the week, and also walked the dogs and talked to their owner about regularly walking them again, because I really would like to get back into that properly, and maybe working with Charlie a bit because he’s okay to do that again which is brilliant news. So that was Monday and Tuesday, including Therapy on Tuesday which was okay, though after next week there’s a like 3 week break which is slightly worrying, but that’ll happen when it comes to it.
So though I’m still kind of sick – yes it’s just a cold, I think, but when everything is already difficult, something as small as that can really throw you – I went into uni yesterday which was okay, and I have a meeting on Friday about the practical that I literally haven’t been to even one session (in semester 2) of yet, so that’s, well, good that we’re going to talk about it. But this morning I woke about 5am with a night terror and I made an almost immediate decision not to go into uni today. To be fair, today is the least important day especially since I’m not doing the practical at the moment, so it’s not too bad. So I emailed the taxis and uni at that time saying that I wasn’t going in, turned off my alarms and got a bit more sleep.
- Self-Care ACHIEVED!
When I got up, I made a list of things to do today, which included: work on Wildlife assignment (next draft due), have a shower, have food, get ready for show for before 7pm – go down about 6.45pm. Exactly like that. Because I need lists and they make sense and they are great. As the day went on, I made a couple more notes: submit Behaviour assignment (due next week), email Wildlife task 1 draft to Stu, Friday -> 1.15 meeting with Stu and Sandy. Lists! The answer to… some things.
2. Making things easier for self ACHIEVED!
So I did just that. I spent most of the time working on the Wildlife assignment and almost finished Task 1, which is half the assignment, which was my goal, since it’s only the draft that’s due tomorrow, so I can get feedback and improve and finish before the actual assignment is due in a few weeks. I try to submit drafts as much as I can, and what happened last week was the Behaviour draft was due, and I had finished the whole thing and had printed it off, ready to hand in (usually you can email, but my Behaviour lecturer doesn’t like that) but then of course, we had snow days, so there wasn’t any uni on Friday. So I spent half the day wondering if I could email it in just this once, and the other half the day doing something else, then either later or the next day, I checked my emails and the teacher had emailed saying that just this once we could email in the draft by the end of the day. Typical. So that kind of sucked. But generally I try to submit the draft.
3. Doing things best I can ACHIEVED!
Anyway, after almost finishing task 1, there was no one in the house before the boys were being picked up, so I thought that it would be a good time have that shower that I promised mum I’d have, because performances start tonight and it would be nice to be refreshed. The reason mum specifically asked me is because our shower is really old so it’s hard to control or whatever, so usually I ask her to do it just so it’s quicker and less water wasted, but she’s at work til late today so I said I’d have a shower. It wasn’t too bad either, which was nice. So I had a shower, then instead of getting dressed straight away, I just put my dressing gown on which is really comfortable because I don’t need to get ready yet.
4. Self cleanliness and care ACHIEVED!
With still no one around, apart from Flo who is just the best and I love her so much, bless, I put something easy on (I’ve been watching a lot of jacksepticeye lately, whose enthusiasm and niceness is lovely to watch in the background or properly) and went and warmed up some soup. Since I still can’t eat properly, soup is my main meal at the moment. I gathered the soup and one of my special yoghurt drinks (for like vitamins or something) and took it upstairs, where I sat and watched a nice and fun video while eating.
5. (Calm) Eating properly ACHIEVED!
I’m also drinking a can of pepsi max, but this is because I couldn’t find my now-usual caffeine free. It was kind of an interesting experiment of sorts, actually, because I don’t know if caffeine really effects me – especially since I drink it practically all the time – so I started only drinking caffeine free coke/pepsi, as well as milkshakes and last week when I was ill I actually starting filling a bottle of orange squash to drink instead of fizzy drink, which is a good idea to start doing generally. But this week I couldn’t find any caffeine free stuff in town, so I just got normal pepsi max (I’m only specifically branding it to explain the ‘experiment’ properly by the way) and drank that, and I don’t know if it was because I had been out that day or it was just a general bad anxiety day, but that night I started drinking normal stuff again I felt really bad, shaky, twitchy, chest really hurt, and other bad anxiety symptoms – worse than normal, at least. So, well, I don’t know if it really is the caffeine or it was the day or just stuff in general, or just a mixture of those things, but I am trying to drink caffeine free stuff these days – this week is an exception, because I brought pepsi max so I want to use it, and I have performances this week, so it might be helpful. But in general I am trying not to have caffeine drinks.
6. Drinking better for self ACHIEVED!
So. It’s not a lot, but it’s something. Things may be happening in my life, finally, and it’d be good to not only try to be better myself, but to start writing again. I still keep a diary but it’s mostly scribbled stuff on nights my chest is hurting so much I get scared I’m going to die in my sleep… which, well, are a lot of nights. It does make me keep a diary though, so whatever I guess. But with not eating properly (for over 6 months now… jeez) I got so worried about my physical health that I actually made a doctor appointment the other week, who was very nice and did a full check over, including a blood and urine test a week later, and said I am physically okay. Which is always nice to know. My anxiety is still out of control a lot, and I still self-harm, and I still can’t go out myself, and many other things are still shit, but… Those are just facts about me. I’m doing therapy, I did work experience where I really wanted to be, I’m in uni with a lot of help doing a degree, I have a new care-coordinator who I at least know, and she’s really working to help me. These are also facts.
Facts are facts but they can change. And maybe they will. Who knows. But meanwhile I have the dogs I can walk, and I have Flo, and this week all the rehearsals come to fruition in a series of performances with my drama society, which I have now been with for over 3 years, and are amazing. I have looked after myself today so tonight I can do my best. Seizures still suck, my brain still sucks, but things are what they are. Flo is sleeping adorably on my bed next to me and I’m watching something calm and fun. I’ll get ready for tonight and do my best. And that’s my life at the moment. Because the present is what really matters.
And I also want to start using my Recovery Blog more. It’s for everyone, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t for me too. And quotes are so important to express what you can’t, and even what you can. Most recently, I watched The Greatest Showman, which had an amazing message and was a brilliant film, and fantastic songs that I am learning on the piano at the moment. So to finish with a related quote.
I am brave,
I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be,
This is Me.